Heyzanie's World

A girlfriend in town, but I am sitting at home tonight.

We spoke about catching over a drink with a few other girlfriends. All of us worked in Shanghai, that’s how our paves crossed.

Most of these ladies were at my farewell party. But I decided to give it a miss.

This afternoon, I was asked whether I have received an sms on the arrangement from one of the girls and no I didn’t. This is not the first time she has excluded me in her invitations. Perhaps I’ve been cancelled from her list?

And I was told drinking won’t start until after 2300hrs. Location? To be decided.

I decided to give it a miss.

I didn’t sleep again last night. I have sleep disorder, and jet lag from my U.K. trip didn’t help. I’m not confident I can hold myself together till that late.

But even if I’ve slept, I doubt I would attend something at 2300hrs. Hanging out till late is different from late hanging out. No doubt this was the way things were back in Shanghai, where all of us were there alone to work. But I think I’m way past that kind of lifestyle.

I won’t be motivated to get out of my apartment again once I am back. And this is not China where midnight cab fare and drinks are cheap.

I was urged to go and not be anti-social. You are right, this is not the first time I’ve passed on an invitation. Invitations to clubbing, out partying, hanging out with people whom I don’t like and whom don’t care a damn about me.

Should I hang out with people I don’t like, go clubbing which I hate and comply to appointments so that I am not anti-social?

I do miss having friends. Big big time. I am by nature a private person who enjoy hanging out with hearts that meet. But today, back in my hometown I am living like a hermit.

I definitely do see a huge problem here. Not dating is indeed boring but not having friends is an even bigger issue.

I come to realize the friends I made in Shanghai are not really my type of friends. Those are more like friends de convenience – we were there to fill up the blanks. They don’t last. At least not for me.

You know what this means? I’ve been making the wrong friends, getting hitched with the wrong boyfriends. I merely assumed a different personality for the sake of surviving. And so I attracted friends that don’t really know and may never appreciate the real me.

No wonder I am so unhappy all those years. Was I living up a lie?

Perhaps I’ve taken myself too seriously in tonight’s incident. But the truth is, I don’t feel respected. Would you expect someone to be readily available for you anytime, anywhere at your call even at the 11th hour, literally?

I had looked forward to the gathering. I was asking myself whether I should just sacrifice a little and turn up at 11pm. After all, it’s been fate that brought all of us strangers together in Shanghai.

But then I decided against. True friends won’t take each another for granted.

It’s high time I think about who I really am, what and who I really want.

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